I wonder what I would have thought, when I was studying dance in college, if someone told me there would be a day when I wouldn't be able to walk. A day when I would have to process the possibility that I might not regain the function of one of my legs.
I wonder what I would have thought when I walked down the aisle with Sean, if you told me that there would be a day when we wouldn't be able to walk around Jordan Pond in Maine or hike up Rocky Mountain in the Adirondacks or dance in our kitchen while we made dinner together.
I wonder what I would have thought, in September, as we effortlessly piled our adorable little ones into baby carriers, if you had told me I wouldn't even be able to pick them up in my arms and hold them in October. I love to hold them.
I grieve the loss, whether it ends up being temporary or permanent, of my ability to move freely and without pain. I grieve the loss of what was, so very recently, our beautiful normal. I grieve the loss of what was consistent. I grieve what this means for so many of our dreams. I grieve being able to drive and think clearly and multitask. I grieve being able to do daily tasks like clean the house or shop for groceries or organize the playroom or make a meal. I grieve being able to dance and teach at the studio. I grieve when I could run out the front door to jump into Sean's arms when he got home from work. I grieve when I could nurse my baby and pick him up and just hold him. I grieve when I could give the girls double-piggy-backs during the day and when I could lay in their beds and curl up and snuggle with them at night.
And it's hard.
A lot of people have asked me how I could possibly be choosing joy through all of this. Well, here's the thing: disappointment in my life does not give me reason to doubt God or to be so bold as to be angry with Him. Disappointment gives me a desperate need to trust Him all the more and to cling all the more tightly to His loving arms. So, while it could be tempting to dwell on what I've lost, I'm not asking, "Why?"
I'm not asking why--because God is constant.
I wonder what I would have thought when I walked down the aisle with Sean, if you told me that there would be a day when we wouldn't be able to walk around Jordan Pond in Maine or hike up Rocky Mountain in the Adirondacks or dance in our kitchen while we made dinner together.
I wonder what I would have thought, in September, as we effortlessly piled our adorable little ones into baby carriers, if you had told me I wouldn't even be able to pick them up in my arms and hold them in October. I love to hold them.
I grieve the loss, whether it ends up being temporary or permanent, of my ability to move freely and without pain. I grieve the loss of what was, so very recently, our beautiful normal. I grieve the loss of what was consistent. I grieve what this means for so many of our dreams. I grieve being able to drive and think clearly and multitask. I grieve being able to do daily tasks like clean the house or shop for groceries or organize the playroom or make a meal. I grieve being able to dance and teach at the studio. I grieve when I could run out the front door to jump into Sean's arms when he got home from work. I grieve when I could nurse my baby and pick him up and just hold him. I grieve when I could give the girls double-piggy-backs during the day and when I could lay in their beds and curl up and snuggle with them at night.
And it's hard.
A lot of people have asked me how I could possibly be choosing joy through all of this. Well, here's the thing: disappointment in my life does not give me reason to doubt God or to be so bold as to be angry with Him. Disappointment gives me a desperate need to trust Him all the more and to cling all the more tightly to His loving arms. So, while it could be tempting to dwell on what I've lost, I'm not asking, "Why?"
I'm not asking why--because God is constant.
"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever," (Hebrews 13:8).
I'm not asking why--because God is good.
"The Lord is good to all," (Psalm 145:9). "The Lord is good and His love endures forever," (Psalm 100:5). "You are good and what You do is good," (Psalm 119:68).
I'm not asking why--because God is Sovereign.
"He says, 'Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted in the nations; I will be exalted in the earth,'" (Psalm 46:10). "In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps," (Proverbs 16:9).
I'm not asking why--because God will never forsake me.
I'm not asking why--because God will never forsake me.
"The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you; Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged," (Deuteronomy 31:8).
No, I'm not looking down. I'm not asking, "Why?" Instead, I'm looking up. Instead, I'm asking, "Who?" God, show me more of You. God, show me Your glory. God, show me Your heart. God is compassionate. And kind. And slow to anger. He is full of mercy and grace and tenderness and love. He is wise, and none of this is a surprise to Him. He is in control, and He is good. And...He's not just good. He is good to you. He is good to me.
My circumstances can change. My plans can change. My dreams can change. My relationships can change. My health can change. My life can drastically, radically, painfully change. But the reason I am living this life is for the glory of my God, and no matter what else changes, He will never, ever change. He is always consistent. My hope is in Him. My peace is in Him. My joy is because of Him.
I love this song that we sing at church called, "Not for a Moment," by Meredith Andrews. You can listen to it here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoh26pC2RT8
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