"We were never meant to be Jesus to our kids; we were meant to show them Jesus. That's a vastly different role and set of expectations," (Courtney DeFeo, In This House We Will Giggle).
How very freeing from the insane pressure I can put on myself to be everything to the people who are closest to me! Trying to reach the standards I so often set for myself can be just plain exhausting--especially because the people I love the most are the very people I fail in front of the most. I'm so thankful that the challenges of life remind me daily of how much I need Jesus. I'm so grateful that His love is always perfect. That He is always perfect.
My girls absolutely love to dance, which just makes my heart so happy. One of their favorite things has always been to have dance classes at home. This has been extra special to me since I started being able to move enough again in the last few weeks to actually demonstrate a little bit for them.
Multi-functional crutches: So many supportive uses...
Today, in spite of a not-so-fun stomach bug that we picked up (It's not every day that you get thrown up on by two kids at the same time! You're welcome...), we had ballet, tap, and gymnastics classes, complete with multiple wardrobe changes and a miniature performance of Ava's favorite, Swan Lake.
Thank you so much for all of your continued prayers for my health and for our family on this journey--God is faithful and so good. It's been a while since I've given you a CRPS update, so, here it is!
This past month has come with incredible improvements--Praise God! After having four nerve blocks and only a couple of weeks of relief, we began a different (and far less risky) treatment in early February. It's called Clonidine--it's a patch that sticks to my leg and releases constant medication. It works primarily by lowering my blood pressure (which they were concerned about initially, because my blood pressure is naturally very low, but it hasn't negatively affected me at this point), to pull the blood vessels away from my nerves.
Within 24 hours of beginning this treatment, I was walking without crutches. It was AMAZING!
Tap-dancing on a carpet may be counter-intuitive, but they certainly don't care...
Since the start of the Clonidine, I've had several really great weeks. I've felt like a completely different person. I've been able to walk up and down stairs a few times a day, stand for long periods of time, and I even made it all the way through Wegman's without crutches last week! We're definitely not out of the woods, and a few of these last weeks have been a bit more challenging and painful than others (this week, in particular, has been a tough one). But, overall, I'm improving by leaps and bounds, compared to where I was five months ago. We're still praying for remission, and I'm working hard at physical therapy to build my strength back up. And, God continues to be my strength for each day, no matter how my body is doing.
If you'll excuse me, I have a couple of tiny adorable dancers to attend to...
My handsome-bearded-hipster husband and I have a magnetic kind of love. It's that old cliche, where opposites attract. When it comes to the way we think and speak, we are pretty black and white. And by that, I do mean that we are about as different as black and white. It has taken some serious work for us to learn how to understand each other, and we will continue to need to trudge through our natural differences and let God open us up to learn how to love each other better.
Whenever you put two people together with different backgrounds, different personalities, different communication styles, and different ways of processing, there is surely to be some tension that needs to be worked through. Marriage is hard work, but marriage is so worth the work. The best part is that God loves marriage. He wants to be our constant aid through every step, so we're never on our own in the journey.
It was years before we ever met that my husband and I each learned a principle that will carry us through our married life: love is a choice. Now, that phrase is likely familiar to you, because we most certainly didn't coin it, and it's been holding vows together for ages. One of the tactics we learned for how to actually put the "choose love" principle into action, however, has revolutionized our relationship. The tactic: love when you don't feel like it.
Early on in our marriage journey, we were really frustrated with each other about something. I don't remember what the frustration was caused by, but I will never forget how we worked it out. All that I could think about was how how deeply wounded I felt and how badly I wanted to run away.
But, I didn't run away.
Instead, I determined myself to do something that would make him feel loved, because I didn't feel like I could love him, nor did I really want to. So, instead of building up a wall or burying my hurt beneath a layer of something else, I got up and set myself to a task. I was going to do something to love him--to do something tangible. I didn't feel loved, and I didn't feel like loving, so I was going to find a way to make him feel loved. I chose something that was not his favorite by any means: unpacking his suitcase and organizing his closet.
What happened next was beautiful. With each shirt that I smoothed out and hung up, my heart began to soften. With each sock that I rolled into its mate, the more I began to remember why I loved my own (mate, not sock). It was invigorating, actually. It felt amazing. God used my decision to love my husband even when I didn't feel like loving him to remind me of the bond of love that we have. Love that says: "Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave," (Song of Songs 8:6).
After a small while and a great change of heart, I finished my make-him-feel-loved project, and I left the bedroom to find the man that I had promised my heart to forever (not a difficult search in our little one-bedroom apartment). He was in the kitchen.
And do you know what he had done?
He had washed all of the dishes, swept and mopped the floor, and made me lunch. With no knowledge of what I was doing in the bedroom, he had been out in the kitchen, doing the same thing as me. He chose to do something that would make me feel loved when he didn't feel like loving me. And I'm not sure that I had every felt so loved by him as I did in that moment. The result was a stronger love than we had known before.
And, we still use that tactic today.
Counting the Cost
The most beautiful thing happened in my house today. My four-year-old sat in front of me and wept into her hands as she watched a "What's In The Bible" DVD about Jesus' death, burial, and resurrection. Through bitter tears, she said, "Mom, the Pharisees thought that Jesus was a trouble-maker. But it wasn't true. We are the trouble-makers." And, earlier today, I caught her on film as she sat with her little sister, explaining Jesus' sacrifice for all of us.
It cost Him everything. It wasn't easy. It wasn't fun. It didn't feel good. It required suffering and the very worst pain and a cruel death. And He loved us that much. When we give our lives to Him, He forgives us for being trouble-makers. He doesn't hold our sin against us. He wipes our slates clean.
And that's the kind of love I want to live. Even in times when love isn't what I want to give.
Love is not always easy or pain-free, nor does it come without sacrifice. When we look at a verse like John 3:16: "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life," we see that God gave up the most important thing to Him for the sake of loving us. For the sake of us being able to love Him. But that verse doesn't stand alone. It has to go hand-in-hand with this one, where Jesus says: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me," (Luke 9:23). It's more than just believing--it's living. Love requires everything.
I could give up when love feels too hard or too heavy to carry. But that's not love. I could lash out when offenses come against me and keep a running list of every wound. But that's not love. I could be bitter about the pain I experience. But that's not love. I could resent the load that love requires me to carry. But that's not love.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.Love never fails," (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a).
