The CRPS is spreading. Now, it is in my right hand. In my dominant hand. In my artfully-practiced-flipping-Sean's-eggs-in-the-pan hand. In my painting hand, my drawing hand, my writing hand. In my hand that holds the spoon when I feed my baby. In my hand that writes ABC's on the Magnadoodle with my little girls. In my hand that had just figured out how to make a little bit of life keep moving when my leg couldn't help me stand. And it really, really hurts.
I never knew the depth of what I took for granted until I started to lose so much.
But I'm thankful. Because God will be glorified. Because of Who He is. And I am humbled and honored that He chose me to carry this. I long for Him to heal me on this side of heaven. And if He doesn't, I truly believe that it's because He can do greater, more beautiful things, because of it. "He says, 'Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth" (Psalm 46:10 NIV).
Thankfulness does not say, "only if the path is easy." Thankfulness does not say, "only if I am well." Thankfulness does not say, "only if I understand."
Thankfulness relies on the God who is light to the path--He pushes back the darkness. Thankfulness trusts in the mercy and the all-wise decisions of the Healer--He is able to do far more than anything I can ask or imagine, and He makes me well able to accomplish whatever plans He has for me. Thankfulness rests in the truth that God is worthy--that He deserves all glory and honor and praise--just because He is God.
He doesn't change when my circumstances change. Thankfulness acknowledges that the God Who brought Israel out of slavery in Eqypt thousands of years ago is the same God Who freed me from the chains of my sin and selfishness. Thankfulness believes that the God Who called Mary to mother His Son and gave her the strength she needed to endure immense suffering is the same God who called me to mother my little ones and will give me everything I need to endure all of this. Thankfulness knows that the God Who inspired the hands of the many writers who penned the Bible is the same God who speaks and breathes through it to guide me through each day.
In the mundane and in the miraculous, in the minute and in the magnificent, He is the same God. And He is my God.
Without my God, I was dead; now I am alive. No death can bring me down. "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory," (Colossians 3:1-4).
Before my God, I was broken; now I am whole. No brokenness now can break me. "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed," (1 Peter 4:12-13).
Apart from my God, I was lost; now I am found. No wilderness can hide me or hold me or hurt me. "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?...No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us," (Romans 8:35, 37).
More than conquerors. Thankfulness hears the voice of the faithful ones who have gone before me, who are now in eternity, worshipping God in all of His glory, wearing new bodies that will never feel pain or experience sorrow again, saying, "It's so short--this walk on earth. You can do it. Stand firm."
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