"Ok, I'm over it. Done with the challenge. Done with the burden. Done with the pain. Ready to wake up from this dream and have life be the way it used to be..."
Have you ever had thoughts like that? Life was so much better when... or, Life would be better if...
A few days ago, we were in the car on the way home, and, as I looked ahead of me at the road, I wondered how long it would be before I would be able to sit behind the wheel. Would I ever get to drive again? The thought had a great deal of metaphorical significance as I pondered a life, in the not-so-distant past, in which I could arrange my day and drive my way through it.
But, here's the thing: It's a lie that says that what life looked like in days gone by is the only way, the better way, the best way.
"But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,"(Philippians 3:13 NIV).
Just because I could do something before doesn't mean I somehow deserve to be able to do it now, or that it's the only way to live well. Just because things were easier for me to do and I felt confident in my abilities and I could schedule my days and I had a very different kind of freedom doesn't mean that I'm unable to live now. I'm just living differently. God has this race of life marked out for me, from beginning to end. He is working out every step for His good purpose. Every step (or, in my current state, every hobble). For good.
I believe that God can heal, and that He absolutely does heal. He made our bodies, He knows our bodies, He loves our bodies. I believe that God can restore and make what is broken whole. Sometimes, that's what brings Him the most glory and best reflects what eternity with Him will be like.
And sometimes, He is the most glorified when we are not healed. Sometimes, it's the way that we walk in the trial that best shows His love and faithfulness and mercy and beauty. "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength," (Philippians 4:12-13).
I pray for God to heal me, and then I pray for Him to hold me.
I don't need to pray for healing over and over and over and over again. And I'll tell you why. I know that God hears me the first time, and I know that He does not forget me. In fact, according to Jesus, in Matthew 6:8, God knows what I need before I even ask Him. He is good. He is love. And He is at work. I don't want to get so focused on praying for the restoration of yesterday that I miss out on what God is doing today. My prayer is for God's will to be done and for God to be glorified. Whatever that looks like.
Is it possible that He could be glorified...in my inability, in my suffering? Is it possibly that I could learn more about how much I need Jesus, more about His love and power, more about His own sacrifice and suffering for me and for the world...because of my inability, because of my suffering?
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance," (James 1:2-3). So, "...let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before Him He endured the cross..." (Hebrews 12:1-2).
Perseverance.
The Apostle Paul had a "thorn in his flesh." It limited him. It tormented him. It challenged him. It followed him. About that thorn, he tells us this:
"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong," (2 Corinthians 12:8-10).
His grace is sufficient for me. His power is made perfect in my weakness. Weakness is beautiful because it keeps me keenly aware of how much I need Jesus.
Ava was talking, this morning, about how excited she is that God will give us brand new bodies in heaven. Her greatest thrill is that we won't get anymore bugbites, but she's also excited for me to have "a leg that's not owwie." And, because of Jesus, we get to keep those new bodies, free of bugbites and owwies, for eternity.
For now, I'm in this body. Right now, it's weak, and that's hard. But, like I said before: I don't want to get so focused on praying for the restoration of yesterday that I miss out on what God is doing today. He knows what I need, and He knows what is going to reveal His love in the greatest way.
When Jesus walked on earth, He healed people to show what His new kingdom would be like--free of pain and disease and brokenness (and bugbites and owwies). Jesus loved the world so much that gave up His very life for the sake of something greater: for a kingdom where life doesn't hurt and suffering doesn't exist. I'm living to be a part of the uncontainable, unfathomable, unquenchable love and life that Jesus invites broken people, like me, to take hold of through faith in Him. That is the ultimate healing, and it gives me the ultimate hope.
Two songs to share. The first is a make-you-tear-up-ballad, and the second is a dance-and-clap-along-kind-of-song. Feel free to choose one or the other based on your current disposition or preference.
Each day, I'm praying for God's strength for the day that I'm in. I'm praying for His will to be done, and for my heart to be at rest in whatever that looks like. I'm pressing forward, not focusing on what's behind me, and I'm praising God for the steps along the way.
Check back soon for Part Two of this piece, on praying for other people's healing.
A great Gloria Furman quote came to my mind as I read your post: "One of the pieces of bad news circulating out there in the world . . . is that God is obligated to give you the life you want if you believe in Him. And conversely, if you have the life you want, then it is a sign that God approves of you." I don't know much about your situation (encountered this blog post as a mutual friend's "share" on Facebook), but it sure looks as if you are living this truth in the trenches. Blessings to you as you press forward.
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