I had no idea I was being controlled

A few minutes in, I was still thinking that the book wouldn't apply to me.

Not because it didn't start off well.  

But, instead, because I can be pretty stubborn and defensive.  And the title said that emotions might be controlling me.  Which I really didn't like.  A neat-freak to the core, I like to think that I run a pretty clean internal shop.  I was also pretty content to think that most of the challenges I was facing were primarily someone else's fault.   

When that "someone else" and I read Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts (Parrot and Parrot) back in 2009, I was just as stubborn and defensive.  I thought that I was more put-together than the people the authors were offering advice to.  I didn't want to think that any of the challenging scenarios they spoke about could actually happen to me.  Our marriage would be better than that.  We wouldn't need conflict-management strategies because we simply wouldn't have any conflict.

Ha.

I've, since then, become far too aware of my mess.  Which is good, because it has made me far more aware of my need for Jesus.  

So, as I read what has ended up becoming one of the most impactful books I've ever held in my hands--Enemies of the Heart by Andy Stanley--it happened.  I felt like my heart started to shrivel.  I was convicted to the core.  

I started to see places within myself that were being consumed by EACH of the four emotions Andy Stanley talks about in this book.  Not just one.  Not even two.  But all four.  Talk about humbling.  

He discusses four emotions:  

1. guilt, 
2. anger, 
3. greed, and 
4. jealousy.  

He talks about the destructive power that they have, and about how easily they can get hidden in our hearts and begin to damage our lives from the inside out.  

If I had been humble enough to think that I might have really needed advice for potential conflicts in marriage, I might have listened more intently to the pre-marital counseling book I was supposed to absorb in 2009.  Maybe I wouldn't have provided such a wide-open door for these powerful emotions to take their toll in my life.  In my marriage.

But, maybe those emotions were already at work.  And maybe they were actually so deeply ingrained in me that it took until a year ago--when my marriage actually started to fall apart--for the walls to come down far enough for them to rear their ugly heads.

Andy Stanley talks about how each of these four emotions has a "debt" tied to it.  

• With anger, it's "You owe me."  
• With guilt, it's "I owe you."  
• With greed, it's "I owe me."
• With jealousy, it's "God owes me."

 HUGE eye-opener:

"The common denominator in all your relational conflicts is YOU," (p. 162).

My favorite thing about this book is that it doesn't just convict you and then leave you hanging and hopeless.  It provides practical ways to confront each emotion, and biblical direction to help you fight against them.  For example, he talks about confronting anger with forgiveness because "forgiveness is the decision to cancel a debt," (p. 123).  

I love this: 

"In the shadow of my hurt, forgiveness feels like a decision to reward my enemy.  But in the shadow of the cross, forgiveness is merely a gift from one undeserving soul to another. . . When I accept forgiveness from God, I'm set free from the penalty of my sin; when I extend forgiveness to my adversary, there's a sense in which I'm set free from his sin as well, " (p. 129).

He gives incredible advice that applies to real situations in our lives and is easy to put into practice to move forward.

I've may have mentioned that I like clean things...  Sean says that "clean" is my primary love language.  As such, I was especially fond of Andy's illustration of how he has spent each of his kids' lives working with them on keeping their hearts empty of the destructive things that get lodged inside of them.  He made a routine of asking his kids questions like (p. 193), 

• "Is everything okay in your heart?" 
• "Are you mad at anybody?" 
• "Are you worried about anything?" 
• "Did anybody hurt your feelings today?"

When I learned that Sean doesn't owe me anything, I started giving him the benefit of the doubt and I was able to believe the best about him.  When I learned that I don't owe Sean anything, I was able to start to shatter the idol of perfectionism in my life.  It has come with SO much freedom and peace.  It has come with so much agreement, so much forgiveness, so much LOVE.

As it turns out, a lack of conflict wasn't the recipe for a happy marriage, like I thought for so long.  When pride really did come before a very hard and disillusioning fall, I learned that genuine humility is one of the FIRST ingredients in a healthy and thriving marriage.

The new blog and shop are almost ready to launch!  Watch for ToChooseJoy.com, opening late October, 2015.