Just Because It's Common Doesn't Mean It's Normal

“I understand.”  “I’ve been there.”  “I hear you.”  “There’s hope.”  These are great ways to let someone know that you’re on their team when they’re hurting.  

“Everyone feels that way,” however, can be a pretty detrimental statement.  

A friend of mine had a severe case of postpartum depression a few years ago.  She shared with a mentor that whenever her husband came near her, all she felt was hatred towards him, and that she wanted to throw her crying baby out the window.  The woman's response to this plea of desperation was, "It's okay--everyone feels that way after they have a baby."  

But, that was a really unfortunate thing for a mentor to say.  Because it made my friend feel normal.  It made think that her thoughts were OK, since, after all, everyone has them.  Right?

My friend spiraled deeper into depression.  She came to me, sharing her thoughts again and hoping for the same response that her mentor had given.  She wanted camaraderie.  She wanted to be told that she was just like everybody else.  

But, what I offered to her was far from affirmation.  

I loved my husband more than I could ever have imagined after each one of our babies was born.  He was my hero.  Even when I was practically delusional from sleep deprivation, I loved every second of my babies being babies.  I couldn’t wait to comfort them when they cried.  

I offered love and encouragement to my friend, but I didn’t tell her that she was normal.  Instead, I helped her call the doctor.

If you want to throw your baby out the window, something is wrong.  If you hate your spouse for any reason, something is wrong.  If you see warning signs of a deeper issue in a friend, this is not a good time to try to normalize the issue and say that everyone feels the same way.   

We need to know that we're not alone.  We need to let other people know that they're not alone.  We thrive on community.  On sharing stories.  On listening to stories.  On relating to one another.  But, camaraderie can be dangerous.

By no means should you hesitate to share how God is working in your own life and how He has worked in you in the past to overcome temptation and to battle even the most difficult of challenges.  But, it's your story, so you can tell it and offer real hope.  Don't try to say that every person has gone through the same thing, because it allows people to think that their struggle is normal.

And if we are just normal, then we must have been made this way, right?  If we are normal, why should we try to change?

Normal (according to Dictionary.com): conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural; serving to establish a standard.

When my three kids were all at their littlest together, I read the book, Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe.  I was so relieved to find that I wasn't alone--that someone heard the secret cries of my heart in a stage of life that felt so exhausting.  

But, here’s the thing.  I couldn’t stay desperate.  When I realized that my voice was audible to someone, I needed to let God use it to give me strength to move forward.  The last thing that I needed was to use my newfound camaraderie as an excuse for remaining in desperation.  Isaiah 40:11 says, “He gently leads those that have young.”  God made motherhood to be a progressive thing—He leads us.  Forward.  And He does it with grace.  

Hatred, like my friend was feeling for her husband, is not normal.  Despair is not normal.  Let me even go as far as to say that depression is not normal.  These things are far from uncommon, but they are not normal.  God did not intend these things for us when He formed us and dreamed of what our lives would be.  He designed us for love, for peace, for wholeness, for joy.  If we belong to Christ, the Bible says that we have been made new in Him--no matter what our unique struggles may be.

If we try to normalize our struggles, we end up identifying ourselves by them.  And labeling ourselves with the issues that we face can be terribly harmful.  Then, the issues become things like:

• My hatred.
• My anxiety.
• My fear.  
• My desperation.
• My depression.

There's nothing wrong with saying, "I struggle with _______," or, "I battle ________," or, "I have _______."

But, as soon as you own it as yours, it's harder to get beyond it.  As soon as you own it as yours, it's easier to try to justify a lot of sinful behavior as the result of a condition, rather than as the result of a decision.

There have been days during this last year of my life when I have forgotten how to have hope.  I have woken up on those days with "my CRPS," and I have forgotten that there is much more to my life than my limitations, regardless of the pain the disease causes me.  The truth is this:

Complex Regional Pain Syndrome is not MY disease.  CRPS is not for me--it is against me.  It is not who I was made to be.  I did not choose CRPS.   It does not define me.  It does not control me.

I have CRPS.  I am in a battle with CRPS.  God is on my side in the battle.  I am on a series of medications to try to beat the CRPS.  I am in physical therapy because I need help beating CRPS.  I have lost a lot because of CRPS.  But, CRPS is not my identity.

My identity is in Christ.  Beloved, whole, wanted, sought-after, guilt-pardoned, hope-filled, alive, free.

The Bible tells me that even though my body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because I have been saved by the grace of God.  If the struggles I war with are “mine,” I’ll get stuck focusing on them—focusing on my flesh instead of on Christ, and on how hard it is to face the struggle instead of on the hope I have because of Christ.  “The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace,” (Romans 8:7). 

The world wants to say that you were born this way.  That you are no different from anyone else.   That your sinful thoughts are the same as everyone else’s, so it’s OK to think them.  That you can't help it.   But, if you are know Jesus--if you are in Christ--then your identity is in Him, not in the challenge that you are facing.  You are not depression.  You are not a disease.  You are not an issue.  The issue doesn’t own you.  God does.  “If the Son sets you free, you are free indeed,” (John 8:36).  

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--His good, pleasing, and perfect will," (Romans 12:2).

Here are some take-aways:

1. We all struggle.  Some of our struggles need a little more outside help than others--and that's alright.  But, we need to work towards getting better, not dwell underneath the label of the struggle.
2. We all sin.  And…no matter how many people might think in a similar way about something, sinful thoughts are not OK to entertain.  It doesn't matter what they're rooted in or what they're about.  
3. We need to stop trying to normalize our struggles and our sins as though they are our permanent identities.  We need our identities to be in Jesus and our thoughts to be focused on what He says is true.  

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things,” (Philippians 4:8).

When we are falling, we need to be lifted up with words of life.  When a friend is struggling and we are in the position of the listener, we need to pause before we say anything and ask ourselves, “Am I affirming something that's actually unhealthy?  Am I condoning something that’s actually sinful?”  Our words have the power to point people toward Christ or in the other direction.  If you find yourself using the phrase, “Everyone feels that way,” you should probably step back and check your sources to first find out if it’s actually true.  

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me,” Galatians 2:20.

Where is your identity?  What are you labeling yourself with today?